How Snape Became The Guy We Know And Love Today
by spunkioctopibishounencaptor
Summary: The sordid tale of love, treachery and betrayal set in the outback of Australia. Dammit, that's the plot for Survivor. watch Survivor. It's good.
1. Be Cruel To Be Kind: A Love Story

Be Cruel To Be Kind: A Love Story  
  
A childhood classic  
  
In the marauders, Lily's and most of all Snapekin's first year:  
  
Snape: James, I don't have any friends. You're my only friend. Will you be my friend?  
  
James: Go away, grease boy.  
  
Snape: My mummy says my hair isn't greasy, just extremely, extremely shiny. You're just jealous. So there!  
  
*Snape walks off lovingly fondling his (at that time) greasy hair that had bugs visibly crawling in it.* 


	2. Spiffing MAtey: A Love Story

The Story Of How Snape Became How We Know And Love Him Today  
  
  
  
Severus and Voldy (an affectionate term): A Love Story  
  
  
  
*Snapekins was skipping along happily. Then he met Luciocious.*  
  
Snape: 'Ullo, there, Lucius, old buddy old pal! Eh what?  
  
Lucius: Um... yes... anway, would you, like, come with me to Voldy's... party... yes... party... NO EVIL MEETING OF VOLDEMORT'S MINIONS WAS MENTIONED! ... ehehehehe...  
  
Snape: Why of course, eh what!  
  
*They both skip off to Voldy's... um... party...*  
  
Voldy: Mwar. Mwar. Kurse all Seeds. Mwar.  
  
Snape: 'Ullo there. I saw you in the newspaper the other day. It said you were evil. Are you evil? I don't think you're evil. I always believe in second chances for Everyone!  
  
Voldy: Kurse. Seeds. Mwar.  
  
Lucius: Snapy, would you like me to do a little... drawing... on your arm... It's definitely not anything like an unholy dark mark the burns black when your master calls you... Nothing of the sort... ehehehehe...  
  
Snape: Sounds splendiferous!  
  
*Lucius gives Snape the dark mark.*  
  
Snape: What? I hate ugly skulls! I wanted a flower!  
  
*Snape starts madly flapping his arms at Lucius.*  
  
Voldy: STOP! Seeds. Mwar.  
  
Snape: Yes... Master...  
  
*Snape grumbles about being forced into becoming a minion.*  
  
  
And so that is the story of how Snapekins became bitter and twisted. 


	3. Snape: Life on the Edge: A Love Story

Snape - Life on the Edge: A Love Story  
  
The tale of Snape's first step into the real world:  
  
*Snape steps out the door*  
  
Snape: GAH! NATURAL SUNLIGHT!   
  
*Snape runs back inside and emerges wearing black sunglasses*  
  
Snape: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!  
  
*Snape runs back inside. He only comes out again when it is 11.00pm and pitch black.*  
  
*Snape slowly makes his way to a nightclub, avoiding the street lights and hiding from cars in trees. He then enters the nightclub.*  
  
*Snape is panting heavily from the 100m walk from his house to the club.*  
  
Snape: He -e- ll-oo... *pant pant*  
  
People whispering about him: Dude!! CHECK OUT THE HAIR!! Do you think he's, like, not washing his hair for a protest? Yeah, that'd be right, why else would anyone have hair with small squirrels in it?  
  
*Snape hears them, and grumbles about his hair being extremely shiny*  
  
*Snape wanders up to someone, trying to be cool*  
  
Snape: Wa-t-t eeeer, pl-ea-ssse.... *mentally congratulates himself on his suaveness and natural confidence*  
  
Random person: Umm... thhe bartenders over there, go and ask him... and please don't put that thing on top of your head near me...  
  
Snape: What thing? *picks up lock of dirty, dirty hair* Do you mean my hair?  
  
Random person: That's hair? Well I'm sure the bartender would probably wash your hair too, if its in that desperate need of a wash...  
  
Snape: I don't need to wash it! Its perfectly clean! *Snape haughtily turns around, making his hair flip around. The poor person he was talking to is sprayed with dirt and bugs.*  
  
*People all around him are whispering things about the 'greasy, greasy man' or the 'guy with a used mop on his head'*  
  
*Someone approaches him*  
  
Person: Yo, you are like cool man!  
  
Snape: Why thankyou! *mental note: Someone called me cool! And recognised me as male! Oh, happy happy day!*  
  
Person: I mean, you're standing up for what you believe in! You're not washing your hair as a protest against the wrongs of the world! I'm proud of you, I could never have my hair as greasy as yours! Its truly disgusting! Good on you!  
  
Snape: MY HAIR IS NOT GREASY! *whimpers*  
  
*Snape crawls up into a foetal position and cries.*  
  
And that is the story of how Snape began to fear and hate the outside world. 


	4. Torrential Sorrow: A Love Story

How Snape Stopped being a Death Eater: A Love Story  
  
Dumbledore: That is a matter between Professor Snape and myself. 


	5. The Faculty: A Love Story

The Faculty: A Love Story  
  
*Dumbledore was tortured until he told the whole, horrible, story. He sold it to some muggles for a lemon drop. They called it Survivor, filmed it, and made many million dollars. Dumbledore swears that he 'meant' to only sell it for a lemon drop, and that he didn't like muggle money anyway. He grumbled a lot after that and got angry and tried to steal my money, so the entire faculty of Hogwarts was questioned. They produced this incredibly pointless story.*  
  
Why Snape hates the Hogwarts Faculty (and no, the reason is not because they wrote this, the answer is actually in this fic. Also, this is set when Harry is in the school. This it is in Harry's 4th year. You see, before, Snape didn't hate the faculty that much, He was just his normal, sinister, dysfuntional self. This is the story of why he hates them a lot now.)   
  
*After Dumbledore gets several letters from the ministry along the lines of 'UR SKOOLL SUX!!!111 I H8 U!!!!!!!!11111111 WAREWULVS SUXXX!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111' and 'i 8 a baybee. i m sik. pliss heyllp mi.', he decided that wizards should also be learning the basics of spelling and maths. Just so they can at least write legible letters. He appointed all the Hogwarts teachers to different subjects, and happily sat back and watched the ensueing chaos.*  
  
List of Hogwarts Teachers and the Compulsary Muggle Subjects:  
  
The teachers will first teach ALL the Gryffindors ans Slytherins in the school, Then the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.  
Mcgonnagol: English   
Flitwick: Maths  
Hooch: P.E   
Pomfrey: First aid (AN: to help those poor ministry members who ate babies, of course.)  
Snape: Spelling and Logic (AN: spelling is a separate subject from english, because Mcgonnagol will be worn out just trying to stop the students from writing things like 'I ain'ts goings! Me english are top knotch stuff, it be!')   
  
all other subject are optional.  
  
(In Mcgonnagol's class)  
  
Mcgonnagol: Students, you all must of heard about the new school system, so you all must know that today you will be learning the fundamentals of english. I -  
  
Neville: My toads is gone!  
  
Mcgonnagol: Don't you mean 'Toad is'?  
  
Neville: No! Trevor hadded babies! And they all wents away!! They is always near me an' Trevor, but them was scareded from all yous peoples talks! An' then I looks, an' them is gone!! Gone me tell ye, gone!  
  
*Mcgonnagol's knees buckle from the pressure of all the grammatical errors*  
  
Neville: They was so cute... all spottsy and slimsy and sqoishy and wrinklsy -  
  
Parvati: Like, eew! Wrinkles! *remembers that the toads are in the classroom* They'll infect me! Aaah! My like, beautiful face! *starts pawing at own face* I can feel it, like AGING!! totally, NOO! *pulls Lavender infront of herself* Save me! Like totally save me! THE WRINKLES! LIKE, THE WRINKLES! *Parvati's friends all start running around screaming hysterically*  
  
*Mcgonnagol puts her face in her hands and walks out of the classroom in despair*  
  
Draco: It has begun... *cackles evilly*  
  
(In the Staff room)  
  
Mcgonnagol: Snape, I am feeling ever so... *thinks for a moment* ill... *dramatically puts hand against forehead* You will just have to take my english class...  
  
Snape: But I -   
  
Mcgonnagol: Thanks EVER so much! *skips away happily before Snape can answer* 


End file.
